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I want to start writing again. I'm not sure what, but I know that I miss it.
Even if it is just blogging, I just feel like I've just got a lot of...stuff...in my head, that I need to get out.
I've had most of a bottle of wine tonight and I feel relaxed but strangely nostalgic. At the moment I can't seem to find the motivation I need to get studying. My dissertation had been desserted and I haven't really started working on my assignments for this semester.
My life with Russell feels like it hasn't really started yet. I feel like I'm waiting for it to start. While we live 300 miles apart it's like we're on hold, as we're together but not really because it's not physically possible. We're engaged but actually getting married seems so far off that sometimes it feels like it might not happen at all. We've looked at getting a place together but we can't afford it on just his income, I feel I don't...like I can't contribute anything.
I miss my family as much as I did when I first moved to Bangor 3 years ago. It doesn't get easier and the guilt never disappears. Part of me will always feel that I have (in a way) abandoned them, especially my mum. Despite this, in general I enjoy student life. I enjoy the freedom. And the learning. I love the unpredictable life that a student lives. Being poor doesn't bother me much, I do however, wonder if I am 'living life to the max'. I want to leave Bangor (and with it, my student life) with no regrets. That is what I should aim for, what I should promise myself.
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What was your favorite childhood band or artist? Are you still a fan?

That would be the Spice Girls...and yes, I do still love a bit of girl power! :)


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I've lost you once  and I really don't want to lose you again. I know I probably don't deserve your friendship. Your laughter, your wit, your intelligence and your beauty. I love you. Believe it or not; I think about you every day. I miss you a lot. I can't get past how I messed up,  again.

I can't forget every laugh you gave me and every time you listened to me.

I am sorry that I said you aren't my best friend. But I don't feel like that's what we are anymore.

Not that I don't want it though. We've grown apart - for whatever reasons. It's true. It's a fact. I want you in my life though. No-one in the world knows me better than you. No matter how many people I meet - no-one can replace you. No boyfriend, no girlfriend, I wish I told you this weeks - no, months - ago.

I hope this isn't the end for us. I have so many memories of us together. Many, many memories. You've been a true friend. A brilliant, talented writer. I know you'll do well in life. I know you'll find the man that will love you to the end of the earth - the kind of love that you deserve. I know you'll have a successful career. You'll make your family proud. You'll make me proud (not that you need my approval...).

I hope the next time we see each other - it won't be awkward. I hope we click just like last time and scare the shit outta everyone around us with how much we know each other. I want to know you more. I want to know you in ten, twenty or more years.

I want to be able to pick up the phone without hesitation to tell you that I've just bought your newest book from WhSmiths - and that I love it.

Now I am rambling. I don't know if you saw or noticed my status on facebook a few days ago. Well if you did, yes it was about you. About us.

I don't know if you'll ever see this. I don't know if I'll post this.

If you read this - you know this was written for you.

My apologies, dearest friend.

My Love


x x x


Current Mood: sad sad

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I  miss you.
I really bloody miss you.
You're meant to be here next to me.
That's how it's meant to be.
But you're there.
With her.
And I'm trying to fool you that it's okay.
It is.
I think.
I hope.
I wish.
I miss you and I'm hoping you miss me too.
How can you think of me when her bright blonde hair shines in that hot seductive sun?
And how could I be in your mind when you wake up to her pretty face?
I'll trust you.
I do.
I swear.
But I don't know how you could miss me out there.
So far from predictability.
That's me.
Here in the cold, I'm glad I don't know just how fun it is out there.
Photos will tell me of the good times you'll have had.
My face won't need to appear but your smile will be strong.
It'll last in my mind, far beyond our time.

I miss you, my sweet.

I'll defend your honour while you stretch it a little.
I'll be waiting back here when you're done.
You're far from forgotten.

I love you.

You don't need to remind me how much I need you.

I know, my sweet.

Because I'm missing you now.

And we're barely apart.
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What are your neighbors like?
I have a weird pervy neighbor called Dave.
He is forty something and was texting my 15 yr old sister.
He also told me he has seen me naked in my back garden - lies.


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Have you ever experienced road rage?
 Ohhh yes! And I'm still learning!


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Describe your different personas.
My life is built around my different personas I suppose.
I have one for my friends, another for my boyfriend and one for my family.
My friends would firmly say I'm the most confident within our group.
My best friend, family and boyfriend would say I'm very insecure and not happy with myself.
Which is the "real" me? Who knows?


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Well it's settled. I'm going to Bangor. In January I took a four hour scholarship exam in the hope of getting at least some of my tuition fees paid for - I didn't thin I'd stand a chance. However, on friday I recieved a letter from Bangor University informing me that they were awarding me with an 'Entrance Scholarship' which means they're going to give me £3000 and lower the entry requirment from 260 points to 80! Basically I was completely shocked and burst into tears. It's a strange feeling being told that's where you are definetly going (I didn't think I would find out until august). Now, despite being really pleased and a hug sense of relief there is also the realisation that I am moving far away, where I know no-one, leaving my family, friends and boyfriend. Wow... =0 Scary thought....

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Current Mood: confused confused

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Why Patrick Stump Really Dislikes Ashlee Simpson.

Patrick Stump really dislikes Ashlee; not hate because Patrick doesn't hate people. But he feels like he is burning whenever he dares to glance over at her. He feels like his blood is boiling when she speaks and feels sick when she comes near him. Patrick decides he should make a mental list of why he doesn't like her...it only seems fair.

Patrick thinks Ashlee is not even that pretty. Not really. Not compared to Pete. Her looks are just another reason why Pete could do better.

She has this stupid fucking laugh. It seems so false and her eyes don't light up like Pete's do. It annoys Patrick and it makes him want to gag her.

Ashlee is slim and doesn't seem to ever need to eat. Another reason for Patrick to dislike her as he is naturally a little chubby and can't not eat anything, it makes him feel low and depressed that Pete is obviously attracted to thin people and he will never be that.

She doesn't like real music. Patrick loves music, it is his life, it is the air he breathes. Patrick can play many instruments and has a voice of an angel. She once attempted some pop and failed. It makes him sad that even what he belives is his one talent does not seem to impress Pete and can't compare to The Ashlee Simpson Show...

Patrick thinks she shows far too much flesh for his liking. Ashlee wears these skimpy little tops and skirts that show off her slim figure that Pete seems to openly appreciate making Patrick feel uglier than ever. It also makes him feel stupid for falling for a guy that is going out with a girl like her.

Ashlee is always all over Pete when he is around. It makes him run to the bathroom and throw up. It also makes his eyes sting. He'll lock himself in the bathroom and cry. He'll try to block out the gushing and giggling from the next room. Patrick understands the feeling of slef-hatred and low self-esteem, although he doesn't remember having any because he met Pete years ago.

She doesn't understand or appreciate Pete's incredible lyrics. Patrick is always, always astounded when he sees Pete's lyrics. He'll gasp and tell Pete that they are "incredible...awsome" but that doesn't quite cut it because he really is amazed by them. Patrick asked Ashlee what she thought of Pete's lyrics once and she replied with "Oh yeah...they're great, I totally love singing along..." Patrick then asked what emotion she felt when she heard 'Sugar We're Going Down...' She responded with "Oh it's a really fun song, you know? It makes me feel happy, the chorus is nice." Patrick sulked for the rest of the day.

Just another girl. She takes Pete away from the band. Patrick justifies his bitterness with the fact that Andy and Joe don't really like her either. They tend to agree with Patrick on the above factors and moan when he dumps them for a night with her. She has hurt them all. And will eventually hurt Pete. And Patrick will be here to pick up the pieces.

She takes Pete away from him. She reminds Patrick every day that she is everything he is not; which is all the things that Pete apparently wants. It breaks him a little bit more each day. So when you see a photo of the Fall Out Boy guys; think. Look at Patrick's smile and decide; genuine?

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Current Mood: angry angry

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